The NFL Playoffs, Seeding and Reason

Once again, in the land of the NFL, we have good teams traveling to play el-stinko teams in the playoffs. Last year, when the super-stinko Seattle Seahawks won the crapulous NFC West with a 7-9 record, oh did the talking heads wail. Oh, the 10-6 New York Giants didn't get to play, but the Seahawks were in. Oh, the humanity. At the time, I argued that winning your division should mean something. Even if your division is the bottom of the garbage pail. I think of it as a similar scenario to March Madness -- win your conference and you get an automatic bid. If you perform well, but don't win your conference, you should get a shot, but there are no guarantees.

Here's why division champs are important. Because the Brown hate the Steelers. And the Ravens hate the Steelers. And everybody hates Baltimore.

Carson Palmer Wants Out of the Jungle

A couple years ago, Chad Ochocinco (soon to be Chad Johnson again) asked to be traded by the Cincinnati Bengals.

Now, quarterback Carson Palmer is asking to get out.

I don’t know if they still have a caged Bengal Tiger on the sidelines of Bengals games (they used to back in the Boomer Esiason era), but it seems to me that’s a pretty potent metaphor for life as a Bengal. Caged. Trapped in Cincinnati. With the world's worst owners.

Speaking of the world's worst owner, Bengals owner Mike Brown refused to shop Ochocinco and has told Carson the same thing. No trades, bub. He does not trade.

And why would Brown trade anybody? If he trades Palmer, then Domata Peko will want out. And Leon Hall will come knocking, wanting out. Then Jermaine Gresham will demand a trade. It’ll be a freaking Bengals stampede.

To paraphrase the great, great Judd Nelson in ‘The Breakfast Club,’

“If Carson gets out, we’ll all get out. It’ll be anarchy!”

I now return you to your regularly scheduled reading about relevant football clubs.

Parsing the NFL MVP Debate

Last night, I was running at the gym (way too cold outside for that stuff) and SportsNation was on the telly in front of me. They were debating the NFL MVP and their top five candidates were: Tom Brady, Michael Vick, Phillip Rivers, Matt Ryan, and Aaron Rodgers. Then I took a quick look at Peter King this morning and his MVP watch list is: Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Matt Ryan, Drew Brees, and Maurice Jones-Drew.

As much as I really, really like Aaron Rodgers, if the playoffs started now, his team would be out of it, so I have to ding him. Same goes for Phillip Rivers and I don't care about his mad numbers. The best player on a fair to middling team hardly qualifies as league MVP by my reckoning.

As to the rest, I love that King included MJD on his list because if the Jax Jags hang on to win the AFC South, it will largely be because little big man carried them there.

Michael Vick likewise. No way the Eagles are sitting atop the NFC East at 9-4 with Donovan McNabb or Kevin Kolb in there.

And a strong case can be made for Matt Ryan, too. The guy is so reliable in big moments and he is remarkably consistent.

Right now, Brady's hair has morphed from 'Justin Bieber' to 'roadie for a Grateful Dead Tribute Band' (they're never billed as 'cover bands' are they? They always call themselves 'tribute' bands. Anyway.) Regardless of how his Ubermodel wife is instructing him to keep his coiffure, Brady is playing quarterback better than I've ever seen the position played. Whereas Peyton Manning because always looks for the big score, big throw, dagger pass, Brady just takes what the defense gives them and will kill teams by any means possible, frequently through attrition. He's happy to have yards after the catch stats. He gets the ball out so quick, in such perfect spots for his receivers that he throws them open and, even if he's throwing to a guy who is just four yards past the line of scrimmage, he puts them in terrific positions to make plays. I thought the Patriots would be good again this year, but I didn't think they'd be this good but they are the best team in the NFL largely due to Tom Brady.

But let me make a case for Troy Polamalu. (You had to see that coming, yes?)

First of all, so quarterback-centric is the league that quarterbacks are almost teeing off from the ladies tee as it were, putting guys like Troy or Terrell Suggs or Justin Tuck or Clay Matthews at a serious disadvantage. For a defensive player to have the kind of impact that Troy is having speaks volumes about his ability to impose his will on a game while playing a position that isn't built for to do so.

He is the best defensive player in the game and I believe he might be the best overall player in the league. At the very least, he should be in that conversation. It's not just that he makes tackles, it's when he makes tackles. It's not just the forced fumbles, it's when he forces them. The interception always seem to come at moments where the game could turn against the Steelers for good.

Since he was out for most of last year, it's easy to point to what the Steelers are with him and what they are without him.

Without Troy, the Steelers finished 9-7, just out of the playoffs and nobody who witnessed it will ever forget that five game stretch of stench they left on the field. The Steelers defense had just a dozen interceptions last year (terrible) and allowed a little over 20 points per game (right in the middle of the pack). Sure, the special teams suck didn't help them any, but the defense didn't come up big in any situations when they needed it either. With him, after only 13 games, they have 17 interceptions (six of those are Troy's), they allow just over 15 points per game. The defense is not just keeping them in games, its actually winning games. And they continue to do that without the best run stopping lineman in the league because of Troy's ability to come up big when the moment demands it.

The numbers are startling, but if I look hard at the Steelers wins and losses, I can point to at least three games they would have lost without him, probably four. I realize it's hard to project what would have happened in the abstract. Football is complicated, tons of plays are run and 22 guys are on the field for each one, so I cannot say with complete and total certainty that the Steelers would have lost these games. Still ... I'm pretty sure they would have lost.

-- the season opener to Atlanta. I know Matt Ryan is still shaking his head wondering where the hell Troy came from to in the 4th quarter of that game. Simply put, he just appeared at the sideline, like a freaking apparition. The interception gave the ball back to the Steelers offense in field goal range. That game wouldn't have even gone to OT had Jeff Reed done his job (don't get me started), but I think there's a very good chance they lose that one without Troy.

-- at Buffalo. Troy's ridiculous at the goal-line interception saved the Steelers asses. Again.

-- at Baltimore. With an anemic Steelers offense, on the road, and in need of a big play, it was Troy, because it's always Troy, causing the fumble that may have won game and might have won the division.
-- versus Cincinnati. With the whole team suffering a Ravens hangover, and with the offense playing even worse than they had the week before in Baltimore, the team needed something. Anything. A loss to the Bungles would have undone almost all of the good work from this season. Bengals 7, Troy 23.

Without Troy, they could easily be 8-5 and battling for a spot; they could be 7-6 on the outside looking in; and they could be worse 6-7, much like they were last year. Instead, the Steelers are 10-3, atop the AFC North and in position to secure the #2 seed in the playoffs.

Largely due to just one man. Just what about that doesn't say MVP?

The Balls & Whistles MVP tracker:
Troy, Brady/Bieber/Burnout, MJD, Vick, Matty Ice.

Troy Polamalu Saves the Day. Again.

Why is this guy not in the discussion for most valuable player in the entire NFL? Why?

Bengals 7, Troy 23.

'Nuff said.

Get Yer Popcorn Ready -- It's Bengals Week

It's time for a little game at Balls & Whistles. Not a football game. This game is called, "Name. That. Jerk!"

There are 10 quotes below, each bon mot dropped by either Terrell Owens or Chad Ochocinco. See if you can match the quote to the bigmouth. [Key at bottom.]

1. "A hockey player would have took that. Kept on ticking. That just shows you how soft Ben is."

2. “Like my boy tells me; if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.”

3. "What I think of the Pro Bowl, I've been there and done that. It's like being married for 30 years. Once you've been married for so long, (expletive deleted) you get tired of it. Right?"

4. "I feel now I can take my talent through the roof."

5. "There are two things for Brother Harris this week. The bad thing is, he has to cover me. The good is he can save 15 percent by switching his auto insurance to Geico."

6. "I'll watch the highlights every now and then but, as far as watching the game, I feel like I am the game."

7. "If you're going to do it, do it very cautiously. If you're going to ride a bike, ride it the right way. Don't speed. Do it for enjoyment. If you're going to bungee jump, have two cords in case one snaps. I don't ride anything. I just talk trash. That's it."

8. “It doesn’t become flattering, it becomes frustrating. You have to put yourself in my shoes."

9. "A lot of people think I'm stuck up. Pretty much that I'm arrogant. I only do that when I'm on the field."

10. “Like I always said, if I'm one of the top players in the game, pay me like I'm one of the top players in the game.”





Key
1. TO
2. TO
3. Ochostinko
4. TO
5. Ochostinko
6. TO
7. Ochostinko
8. Ochostinko
9. TO
10. TO

Terrible Towel Maloiki

I posted this http://trueslant.com/jodydiperna/2009/10/21/the-terrible-towel-will-put-a-curse-on-you/
at True/Slant and I left to go to lunch.

There's a great little authentic Mexican joint about a block away called Mexico City. It tastes much more like the food that I've had in Central America than anything else I've ever had. It's on the corner of Smithfield and the Boulevard of the Allies, so give it a whirl if you're downtown. You won't regret it. At any rate, everybody who works there is latino and many of them speak little english. Soccer is on the tv, around the clock, really. They serve Fanta sodas. This joint is legit.

So I finish my post and walk down the street to get some banging flautas and the first thing I see when I walk in the door is a Terrible Towel hanging behind the register. I swear I snorted. Some days, I love Pittsburgh.

Here's the full post from True/Slant on October 21, 2009:

The Terrible Towel Will Put a Curse on You

The Tennessee Titans are 0-6 and their stock is falling faster than AIG.
Last Sunday they were beaten 59-0, a smack-down of biblical proportions, and as much as I was tempted to say that Patriots piled on (because we know that Bill Belichick likes to pour it on), that one was on the Titans. It looked to me like many of them quit. The defensive backs looked less interested in covering New England wide outs than I am in having botox treatments. It was embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Ice and cold and snow. But both teams played in cold and snow and ice. This kind of performance from a team that played 10 games last year before dropping even one is beyond shocking. Nobody can figure it out.

So what in the Sam Hill is going on around here? What turned these world beaters into egg beaters?

Sure, Jim Schwartz left Tennessee to go coach the Lions, and Albert Haynesworth was lured by the deep pockets of Danny Snyder. But they’ve dropped their last eight games.

I think it’s something else, something supernatural, perhaps metaphysical and well beyond the power of ordinary human comprehension (or at least that of most NFL analysts) which has done in this Jeff Fisher lead team.

It all turned in one moment of the otherwise hugely successful 2008 season, for on a warm December Sunday afternoon in Nashville, the Titans defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers. And disrespected the Terrible Towel, unleashing a great scourge on the franchise.

They haven’t won a game since.

They lost the season closer to Indy, then were slapped around by the Ravens in the playoffs. This year, it’s been more of the same and getting worse daily. Behold the power of the Towel.

For those people from any one of the other 31 NFL cities, I’m sorry. I realize that a few thousand loud, obnoxious, yellow towel-waiving Pittsburgh fans descending on your fair hamlet like so many unwashed Visigoths is probably nauseating. I get it. But the Towel itself must be respected, for it is more than just a revered symbol for Steelers fans: it has black magic and mojo. It is a Pandora’s box of voodoo pain waiting for some unsuspecting footballer to open it.

In December, 2005, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, then of the Cincinnati Bengals, wiped his shoes with one. A few weeks later, the Bengals lost in the playoffs to the Steelers and missed the playoffs every year after. That Cincinnati now sits atop the AFC North – after Houshmandzadeh’s departure for Seattle – is only more evidence of the power of the Terrible Towel.

Don’t believe T.J.? Ask the Titans how things are working out since LenDale White stomped on it, Jevon Kearse wiped his shoes on it and I think I saw one of the Titans blowing his nose in it. All that got them was a dirty towel and a world of hurt.

A moment, if you will, about the Towel itself. In 1975, Myron Cope, writer, raconteur, radio voice of the Steelers, and Pittsburgh legend came up with the notion of the Terrible Towel. The radio station he worked for was looking for a gimmick and Cope thought it should be something small, light-weight, and portable, and also something that people had at hand or could purchase cheaply. He went on the airwaves in the lead up the 1975 playoff game against the Colts exhorting fans to bring yellow or gold towels with them to the game. In his memoirs, Double Yoi, Cope remembered those first days after the conception of the Towel:

“Mind you, I did not see the Terrible Towel as witchcraft to hex the enemy. It would be a positive force, driving the Steelers to superhuman performance, but if it experienced a yen for mischief and created fatal mistakes by opponents, I would tolerate that. Not entirely sane by now, I daily intoned on the air, ‘The Terrible Towel is poised to strike!’”

You must realize that this was Myron Cope, who stood all of about 5′ 5″ and answered calls to his radio show by saying things like, “You got Cope, what’s on your noodle?” in his inimitable style with a voice that, well, to say that his voice was like chewing aspirin while working a jackhammer just begins to describe it. His voice was a hefty, hoarse Midwestern cheerleader chewing concrete mix, a Yorkshire Terrier choking on a Milkbone, a small, feral woodland creature being run over on a bike trail. It was gravely and squeaky, flat and excitable; he sputtered and stuttered and stammered. Sometimes he lost the ability to form words at all and shouted out things like “Hmmm Hah!” or “Yoi!” He seemed to be tipsy during game broadcasts from time to time.

In short, he was an unlikely radio celebrity, but Pittsburghers loved him and he us. So in 1975, when Myron Cope told fans to bring yellow towels to the playoff game, they did. And the flag of a nation, the talisman of a nomadic tribe of fans was born.

Before you knew it, officially licensed Terrible Towels were for sale, the proceeds from which Cope signed over to the Allegheny Valley School which provides care for more than 900 people with mental retardation and physical disabilities, including Cope’s autistic son.

Steelers fans can tell ourselves that it’s for a good cause, but if we’re being honest here, it’s also a compulsion. People carry them to games and bars and drape them over their television sets at home. (Heck, I took mine with me hiking all over mountains and glaciers in Patagonia because, you know, indigenous people love when we do that kind of stuff.) Steelers fans are buried with their Terrible Towels, and new parents wrap their infants in them. It’s silly and stupid; it’s possibly obnoxious and it is most certainly ridiculous. But it’s bigger than all of us. When Myron died, locals spontaneously hung Terrible Towels from their windows and on their front doors. It just happened.

Cope told us that the Terrible Towel was poised to strike, but it’s more than that: the Towel happens.

So, sacrifice small animals on the altar of your team, pray that they kick all holy hell out of the Steelers, burn Ben Roethisberger voodoo dolls at the 50 yard line and post incendiary comments on Steelers message boards.

Just don’t disrespect the Terrible Towel. Lest ye conjure a great evil.

More Fun Than a Barrell of Bengals

You know, when those *&&%##@!!*#$s at HBO canceled "Deadwood," I canceled HBO in a fit of pique. I haven't missed it much, to tell the truth. But now, with the Cincinnati Bungles slated to be on tap for the HBO sports/reality show, "Hard Knocks," I may have to re-up with them. This is too delicious to miss out on.

According to ESPN:
"Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer took a swipe at Ochocinco's absence from the team's voluntary offseason workouts on Tuesday in an interview on Sirius NFL Radio. ...

"'It's definitely a new look for the Bengals receiver corps but I couldn't be happier with the guys we've got," Palmer said Tuesday during the Sirius NFL Radio "Movin' The Chains" show, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. "T.J. [Houshmandzadeh's]" gone and Chad's pretty much gone, he hasn't been here, so we've got guys that want those two spots, guys that compete day in and day out, when we're out there on the field, running, conditioning and in the weight room lifting.' ...

"When asked what he expects out of Ochocinco this season, Palmer told NFL Sirius Radio: 'Well, I really don't know. I haven't talked to him. I haven't talked to anybody that has talked to him. He wasn't here last year so I'm expecting him not to be here at all this year. Last year I think he was here for the mandatory camp but didn't participate in it. So I'm planning on him not being here just because he hasn't been here yet.'"