Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Mock Celebration of Alex Rodriquez

From True/Slant on November 3, 2009:

A Festival of A Rod
If you grew up Catholic, you know that the countdown to Christmas is measured with an Advent Wreath and that the holiest time of the year starts with Ash Wednesday and runs through lent to Easter. Blessed days indeed.

But like George Costanza’s dad, I’m the creator of my own liturgical calendar. I celebrate the High Holy Days of Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez.

Before you know it, Izzo Day will be upon us on November 15th, which marks the day in 2007 when Alex teamed up with Jay-Z to host a celebrity poker tournament. It was only like the greatest celebrity poker tournament ever.

After that comes one of my favorite holy days, the day when we celebrate the first of A Rod’s miracles, the day when, through his wondrous powers, he created a bidding war between Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks and … Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks. For lo, on December 11th, 2000, Hicks agreed to pay Rodriguez $262 million over 10 years, $63 million more than the next richest baseball contract and considerably higher even, than any other bidder.

Seven years and two days after his first miracle, A Rod performed his second miracle, signing his 10 year contract with the New York Yankees on December 13, 2007, the biggest contract in MLB. A lesser holy day than the first miracle, but worth noting nevertheless.

Like Jesus enduring his night at Gesthemane, we mark the day that A Roid, um, A Rod struggled through his February 17th press conference confessing that he toyed with performance enhancing drugs. Why must he suffer so? Oh, why?

This is one of the highest of the holy days on the A Rod liturgical calendar, though theologians and anthropologists debate the exact exact date. Still we celebrate this most pivotal time in A Rod’s life on April 6th as the day when he first read the Narnia books, and as any A Rod fan can tell you, the Centaurs
remained true to Narnia, pledging to fight alongside Prince Caspian against Caspian’s uncle Miraz at the Second Battle of Beruna. And of course, in the final days in Narnia, the Centaurs fought in the Battle of StableHill against the Calormene Army. But you knew that.

On April 30, we celebrate the day when an unknown prophet at one of young Alex’s Little League games first called him A Rod. Some scholars think that the prophet actually said “A God,” which would have been quite accurate. The debate rages on, but “A Rod” was born.

On May 17th, we celebrate the day the Details photoshoot hit the stand. We mark this day with fabulous cocktails and mirrored disco ball.

On July 1st we celebrate the day that Rodriguez mastered Kabbalah. Madonna has been studying it for years, but it only took A Rod one night in her hotel room to understand the scope and entirety of Kaballah. Like the Jews at Passover, we celebrate this day by reclining. And drinking wine. Lots and lots of wine.

The Highest of the High Holy days is the birthday of Alex Rodriguez on July 27th. Why, it’s better than the 4th of July and Christmas combined. After all, those days only celebrate the birth of a nation and the birth of god, respectively. Jesus was a cool dude, but when did he ever hit for the cycle?

Like the Jews on Yom Kippur and the Catholics on Good Friday, we observe a day of quiet reflection to commemorate one of the saddest days for Rodriguez, for on October 19th, 2004, he slapped at Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo like Lady GaGa. Bronson Arroyo? C’mon man.

I was going to pen in November 4th as the day that Alex Rodriguez won his first World Series, but we have to wait for that celebration. Yeah, thanks a lot Phillies.

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