Thursday, July 29, 2010

Charlie Weis' Job Hunt

From True/Slant on December 1, 2009:

Charlie Weis, Job Applicant.

Charlie Weis is a busy guy, what with getting fired and cleaning out his office and setting up a new paypal account to receive all those large payments from the Notre Dame Athletic Department and all. Through a fluke of modern technology, I’ve been able to tap into some of coach Weis’ voluminous correspondence over the past 48 hours. Here are some of the choicest bits:

Dear Bill,
It’s been a long time and I know with your grueling work habits and legendary tunnel vision and all, you may not be aware that I’m looking for a job. We had a good run together, remember? Ah, the glory days we had with Super Bowls and video parties. Not to mention wing night every night. Gosh, I get teared up just thinking about the good times.
Just think, Bill, we could get back there. Imagine what I could do pulling the strings with Brady and now Moss? Perhaps with me back on board, we could win some more Super Bowls again, huh? I don’t even need to be paid much, because Notre Dame has to pay me for another six years. Please, Bill.

Reply To:
Sorry, Charlie. Maybe you didn’t see the Monday night game, but what I need is a defense, not a new O.C. I’d bring you on to, um, film, but ever since Goodell busted my chops on that a few years ago, I’ve had to cut way back on the number of toadies I can keep on my staff here in New England.
Your best buddy 4ever,
Billy B.


Dear Scott,
My it’s been a long time. Congratulations on the new gig. Say, can you put in a good word for me with coach Haley? I’ve been calling and calling, but I just get that music on his cell phone, and as much as I enjoy the Pointer Sisters (hey, who doesn’t), he never returns my calls. I really think I can help him with Matt Cassell and you know, the Chiefs would have a decided schematic advantage with me on board.

Reply to:
As always, nice to hear from you. I ran it by Todd and he promises he’ll think about it, but he’s got a lot on his plate between cutting Larry Johnson and getting his ass beat by Philip Rivers. Trust me, he’s a little overwhelmed. But you know I’m your dawg and I’ll keep working for you. You’d love it here. This place is full of awesome barbeque.
Scottie Peezy


Dear Joe:
I hear that you might be in the market for a new head football coach.
I am an undeniable heavy hitter in the coaching world. Although I’m not one for tooting my own horn, I did win Super Bowls with the New England Patriots. Which I’m sure you know. I’ve attached my resume, as well as video clips of some of the finest offensive plays ever conceived in the history of football from my years with New England. As will be abundantly evident to you, with me at the helm, your Sooners would most certainly enjoy a decided schematic advantage.
I look forward to your prompt response.
Charlie Weis

Dear Charlie,
Stoops is staying. Stick it, jerk.


Dear Mr. Swarbrick,
Please begin depositing the six years of salary into my PayPal account at forthwith.
Stay Golden,
Yours, Charlie
Class of ‘78


To: Oprah@Oprah.Oprah
Dear Ms. Winfrey,
You don’t know me, but my name is Charlie Weis and I have an idea for a new show for your new network. Let’s just say it’s American Idol meets the Biggest Loser on College Football Gameday. I know I’ve piqued your interest. Let’s do lunch.
Charlie Weis

No comments:

Post a Comment