Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Waiting for Goodell [A play in one act]
I'm not a playwrigt, but I play one on the internet. Here is my dramatic re-enactment of the NFL denying the appeals of James Harrison:
"Excuse me sir, would it please the, er, court, I'd like to appeal these fines."
"Yes. Yes. Appeal. Well, get on with it."
"Well, hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the guy who levied these fines to begin with?"
(Silence. And glowering. Lots of glowering.)
"Ahem, okay, so you see, when I hit Drew Brees, I was flying towards him. I was fighting off a block and I was going at full throttle. It was a bang-bang play. And, you know, I get paid to go after the quarterback more or less."
(More silence and glowering.)
"I didn't hit him high and I didn't hit him low. And yeah, I guess my helmet hit him, but, you know I was leading with my shoulder and my head is right next to my shoulder and all ... So, well, I guess that's the basis of my appeal for that hit."
"Yes. I see. Denied. Next!"
"Just like that?"
"Do you dare to question the Great and Mighty Goodell!" (puffs of green smoke and sound effects follow.) "Well!?"
"No. I, ah, well, I guess not. So on this hit on Mohamed Massaquoi, you see, I know it looks bad. I really do. And he had to leave and game and stuff. I know that you're trying to protect players and I can no longer hit like that now, you know just explode into a receiver. I get that. You guys changed the rules and stuff, so I've really been trying not to do that. But, you see, the rules weren't really in effect when this fine was meted out, so I was hoping that through like a grandfather clause or something ..."
"Denied! The rules didn't change! I've told you and Suzy Kolber that a thousand million times! The rules didn't change! The rules didn't change!"
"Of course not. But, how about a reduction. After all, you've fined guys much less money for much more egregious post-whistle incidents and I was just playing hard, snap to whis ..."
"Are you accusing me of bias? Do you not think I am impartially looking out for the health of the league?"
(Harrison just looks down and shuffles feet.)
"Mr. Harrison, I am simply looking out for the welfare of the players. I am the Commissioner who cares about player safety. Don't you get that?"
"I do. Really. I do. I appreciate it. But you know, it's going to be way more dangerous to play 18 games than 16 ..."
"Get out of here! And never darken my door again!"
(Harrison exits. Goodell turns to a toady lurking in the background)
"Can we fine him for something this week?"
Or, while I stupidly spent time crafting a nuanced one act play, DJ Gallo summed it up with this picture.